Are you 7’4” tall and looking to stay warm this winter? In the market for a piece that makes you feel like the elongated maggot you always knew you were? Hungry for a taupe-colored sleeping bag with matching capelet for that perfect Adult SwathLord look? Moncler would love to take your order.
Let us bask humbly in the confidence of Ugly Fashion’s newest challenge: The Moncler x Pierpaolo Piccioli puffer collection. Available in stunning hues such as “precisely insect black,” “Welch’s Grape Juice in a Can” and the ever-gorgeous “Bruised Banana” yellow-and-brown combo, Moncler offered this practical capsule at Milan FW18 Fashion Week. Pierpaolo Piccioli, known for his subtlety, isn’t blatantly trolling us like Demna or Jeremy Scott. As Creative Director at Valentino, he’s maintained the brand’s legacy, one that has never faltered from it’s message in six decades, even during the garish eighties. I respect the thoughtfulness of this collaboration, however. We all know the weight and fabric of Moncler is it’s signature; like an angel kissed a cloud and sewed that kiss into Alpine opulence. You can catch me in one of their angel down all-white capelet puffers with some sort of Comme Des Garcons ski pantaloon, apres-ski, next time I have $4000 handy.
The forthcoming retail versions that offer slightly shorter hemlines are for wussies. We are Frankensteins who, after 6 relentless seasons of WOULD YOU COULD YOU runway presentations from the likes of Balenvetementsciaga, Hood By Air and Facetasm, aren’t quite ready for the return of reasonable silhouettes. If the FashGods stop making these passive-aggressive clothes, where will we be? Is the orthopedic sneaker pandemic crescendoing already? We have Stockholm Syndrome for meme-wear.