10 Songs That Will Ruin Your Life

Guest Blogger: PO

[Ed note: I think Po curses too much and dogs Sheryl Crow too hard, but first amendment]

Do not downplay the importance of music. Music is the friend we turn to when we are lonely, happy, frustrated or bored. It gives us the ability to think that we are cooler than another group of people, which thus gives us the power to tell people how to liveMusic also allows us to imagine a fantasyland where we are bad-ass bitches who don't take shit or super dudes who live in a world of endless blow jobs with no strings attached.

I'm not gonna get all Tipper Gore on you and blame music for inciting violence  (if you're a murderer type please shout from the rooftops that music didn't make you do it), but let's think seriously about what 500+ listens of "Bitches Ain't Shit" or "Call Your Girlfriend" have done to your brain. You think you know, but you have no idea. 

You know when you see a woman frowning around the supermarket carrying a huge bag of chips in one arm and a tub of ice cream in the other? Or a couple steady screaming at each other on the street like no one's around? Or a homeless man slumped against a wall, melting into the concrete? You always wonder what life choices they've made to get to their current situation. You'll never truly know, but some of these songs may have directly contributed to their downfall. Music can impede one's mood, relationships and rent-paying capabilities.

I recently found out about an old Soulja Boy song called "Crank That / Superman Dat Ho" that's about coming on a ladies' back and then attaching a sheet to her so it sticks to her like a cape. I know more than one fool tried that out after hearing this song. Just saying...

Bill. This lady treats you like shit in front of your friends and family, but because this beat is so good you've got us thinking it's okay to be emotionally abused as long as the sex is stellar. Tsk Tsk!

Jesus Janis, I don't think getting laid because the world is a depressing place or because you could get hit by a bus tomorrow is the best reason to fuck that half-passed-out dude in the back of the bar. You probably don't ever use protection either, right? You almost got us with the "being drunk enough to think that we'd be turning our backs on love if we didn't do it" but nah, girl, nah. 

3. Ain't No Fun - Snoop Dogg and obviously the ENTIRE DOGG POUND

Okay guys? You probably shouldn't all have sex with that girl. Especially if she is willing to lick all of your friends'  balls. This is only going to reinforce your inability to meet a girl in the (whole wide) world who you could actually love. Also, consider that maybe your view of women has been swayed by one lady in the past that did you wrong. So before you start passing another girl around to your friends just because she liked licking your balls, stop and think that maybe she really likes you and is just a sweetheart who wants you to enjoy yourself. 

4. Escape (The Pina Colada Song) - Rupert Holmes 

Dude. ARE you fucking serious? You are advocating the lamest way to go about cheating on your woman because you are bored??? You didn't even fucking know she liked Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain, or making love at midnight. You almost lost an awesomely compatible companion, you douche.  Never listen to a dude who isn't ashamed to say he is into champagne. 

"If it makes you happy it can't be that bad... then why the hell are you so sad?" Well, let's see Sheryl. Maybe because you encouraged me to go ahead and do that thing that made me think I was happy, which happened to be arson, binging and purging my food, or kidnapping. Thanks for the advice you perma-old looking mole-having bitch.

Look guys, it's just irresponsible for you to advise innocent kids to take trains going anywhere to stick to their dreams and to hold on to their hopes when they are clearly turing into hookers, gamblers and junkies. Maybe don't roll the dice one more time and instead keep that paycheck for rent. Where's the pragmatism?

7. Prince's Entire Discography 

I mean come ON: I Wish I Was Your Girlfriend, I Would Die 4 U, Darling Nikki, Erotic City, How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore, Forever in My Life, Delirious, Get Off, Let's Go Crazy, Pink Cashmere, 7, Nothing Compares 2 U, House Quake, 1999, and the Batman Soundtrack... cause that shit was just wack. 

This is probably what they did when they got caught for lip syncing. Don't do it, it will only lead to death.

Bad, bad advice Stephen. This "grass ain't always greener" song just sounds like the ultimate settle-for-less, lower your expectations, give up and throw on those sweat pants ditty. The 'It' next to me is busted as fuck. Not majestic like an eagle, or a dove flying through the beautiful American sky. Yes, i am dating 'It' but i'm secretly wishing and hoping for better than this. S/he is a lazy, self obsessed,  Skeksi-looking thang and I'd rather be alone and keep pining for the one I love, thank you very much. You should be encouraging me to seek out higher quality partners.

Retaliation is a terrible way to deal with a cheating partner. Sitting there and counting the days that you have been neglected and betrayed and using that as an excuse for you to "creep around" will only breed more drama. Just because you girls look super cute in huge silk pajamas doesn't mean you can just turn this slumber party into a crazysexycool night of cheating on your significant other.