You are an internet troll. A hyper-conscious, detail-oriented, pro-active internet spy who invades the privacy of unknowing victims. In your spare time you work pro bono for yourself as a private investigator. You spend an inordinate amount of time tracing and dissecting the details of others' lives, artfully piecing together their digital trails until you know everything you possibly can about your victim.
I understand how easy this is to do. Social networks were practically designed
internet stalking. Facebook is a browsing catalogue for boners and women use it to figure out every single female creature our boyfriends have ever had any contact with. But you know what you'll find if you go there? A heap of steaming turds you deliberately stepped in.
Don't let yourself fall into the black hole of temptation. I know it's fun to uncover the backstories, scandals, or sexual triumphs of people you know, work with, want to make rad babies with, exes, their new girlfriends or boyfriends, people you love, people you hate, teachers, bosses, bodega guys, celebrities, and hot bartenders.
Go ahead, make my day. You'll discover that everyone you date has been with someone hotter, younger, smarter, more interesting, better in bed, or richer than you. The person you think is a moron or an undeserving asshole at work has it easier than you. Your favorite porn star has it harder than you (HEY-O!). So instead of comparing notes and getting all up in Brenda's business, here are 10 things you can do that are better than stalking people on the Internet.
1. Go shroom in the desert
on New Year's Eve with say, ten friends. While you're peaking, close your eyes and imagine yourself in a crystalline forest in Burma that has trees covered in kaleidoscope bark reminiscent of
. Just a suggestion, not that I've ever done that a few weeks ago.
2. Be terrified by this video.
Terrrrified. Then think to yourself, "this is f*cking genius, son. Why didn't I make this video?" Then get a job at an ad agency that will keep you too busy to stalk people on the internet.
3. Learn how to fold a fitted sheet
like a proper adult. It takes practice, but let's put this universal battle to rest by mastering our fears, shall we?
4. Make a music video out of 3,000 movies.
I interviewed the guy who made this and he told me he spent the same amount of time making this masterpiece than you've spent masturbating in your entire life. How many hours do you think that is all put together, a year? 8765.81 hours or so?
5. Fake it til you make.
No really, it works. At least according to this TED talk.
6. Listen to
the world's best podcast,
In the episode below my friend
talks astrophysics, dolphin blow jobs, and artificial intelligence with my hero
There are three other big brains and comedians in this episode and everyone has lots of interesting input.
However, I do
appreciate the part where the neuroscientist chick says she doesn't believe in
and a Kurzweilian future. LET US DREAM, LADY.
7. Help lobby Hollywood's Power Gays to collectively buy Chick-Fil-A so we can eat there again.
Did you know that every time you eat their spicy chicken sandwich a gay person dies? Seriously. I have two gay cousins, a gay brother, two gay step cousins, and a gay uncle somewhere. I love them all very much and don't want them to die at the hands of a delishaaassssssss sandwich. We need Andy Cohen, N.P.H., Ellen and The Coops on this shit. NOW.
8. Brush up on the minds of serial killers
that offers "Over 500 serial killers in your pocket!" There is also a link on the home page to something called
which I refuse to click.
9. Get a hobby.
You know how you get into something, obsess over it, do it every single day for a month, then never speak of it again? For me these things have included: gardening, making God's Eyes, a raw food diet, sewing, Dubstep, and starting two different book drafts. If you're feeling prone to sleuthing out the person you most want to give a baby, learn something new. Take a cooking class, learn to swim faster, buy a 5000-piece puzzle set, or
, like this artist did below. That is face paint, not Photoshop.
10. Buy stuff off the TV while tweezing your leg hairs.
Honestly, buying the worst shit ever while doing the worst shit ever is better than what you were thinking of doing. Eat a box of frozen Tacitos in your Slanket during a 48-hour Hoarders bender. Fill your bathtub with Chia Pets and let them grow out. It's a matter of spending your time wisely and avoiding self-imposed torture.
Hope these tips were useful. Now go think up
to make and stay away from Brenda!