Welcome back pals, glad you're here. I can't talk about SNOWDAY or Gavin's genitals until I first address the opening ceremony of the Canadian Winter Olympics. A pre-emptive apology to my significantly large Canadian readership. I will be kissing your ass shortly, but please let me get this off my chest first. I'm doing this for you. So! Olympics...

What in the bronzed-balls-of-Canada-on-the-mantle was that?

After Beijing's epic Bird's Nest, which outdid even Kim Jong-Il's human jumbotron, you'd think Canada would want to display a little might and bravado, especially since a) the IOC effed up with their Asian population and the First Nation, the latter of whom have used the controversy around the authenticity of their wares to bring attention to their status, and b) they claimed their ceremony would "inspire the world."

Despite the fact that the Winter Olympics are half as popular (and twice as elitist!) as the Summer games, this is Canada's chance to get some attention and show the world that they're not the wallflowers of the Commonwealth. They are not the cameltoe in swim class. They are not just a giant parking lot for America to park their SUV's in. (We would never do that by the way. It would be too boring).



Listen. I realize that Canada has the best health care in North America, thrift stores that are so good they sell girlhood dreams, its home to some of the most pristine landscapes in the Northern Hemisphere, and it boasts an impressively passive, and therefore peaceful, multilateral diplomacy that has kept them safe and neutral for the most part. Most importantly, it is home to the greatest Canadian film of all time, FUBAR.

 (OH HI DAVE. HIIIII Daaaaave) 

 Hi Fubes! Will always love you for evermore you FUCKING DREAMBOAT. Hi to your wife, tell her sorry I'm so jealous, but then tell her I'm happy for her.

I actually love you Canada. Not Winnipeg. I love the 8 millionty Canadian pals I made working at Vice, I had one of the best days of my life in Alberta when I was tour managing The Virgins, and I love that you're so polite you're basically the Japanese people of North America. That's a real virtue. I wouldn't hate owning a farmhouse or cabin in B.C. when I'm older, or miraculously having enough money to buy a farmhouse or cabin. In many ways you are a utopian nation compared to the shitshow we live in. There is a whole laundry list of things we envy about you- lack of guns, abundance of wildlife, real poutine, and cool strip clubs. Also: ANVIL and PRIESTESS.

But your opening ceremony was an off-Broadway musical entitled Lord of the Stomp. It was more cringey than a bachelorette party at a karaoke bar. Let's reminisce, shall we?

Perfect way to start the corniest production in sporting history- with the Canadian version of the Mac Tonight dude

YAY fiddling frenzy!! Who styled the 1994 Marc Jacobs for Perry Ellis Grunge Rock realness, queen?

the giant Maples leaves dethroning Beijing

 those slo-mo gliding snowboarders are protecting 14 million pairs of Canadian balls that have been stored inside the mountain for future bronzing

 oh good a beret for the slam poet. SLAM POET.

Do you realize how many people have to greenlight the ceremonies? How many perfectly talented, rational minds were at work? Was there some passive-aggressive conspiracy by the IOC to ensure that your entire nation would be emasculated with such venom? Those poor men in brown tights dancing on giant maples leaves made Canada look like it was playing Autumn in the school play.

I just don't understand how it got so out of hand. However , there are some good things that have reduced the swelling of the knuckle that formed in my skull while watching the ceremonies.

1) The torch lighting.

A flame that represents human achievement never ceases to inspire, and the giant crystal shards/icicles that served as the candelabra were tops.

2) These guys:

Shaun White, America's Sweetheart

Lindsey Vonn, Apple Pie


Johnny Weir is really giving us some Betsey Johnson for Hot Topic realness right now and I am feeling it. Loved watching you give face while you were shining, boo. Especially in the "Fallen Angel" routine.

and finally, TWO BLACK PEOPLE! TWO. ONLY TWO. BUT THERE WERE TWO! So see? It's not true that the Winter Olympics are the "White Olympics" you PC naysayers!

a classic ensemble: tasteful, serene 

Poops. I never got around to SNOWDAY and now it's bedtime. See you tomorrow or this weekend dudes. Thanks for coming.