I've immortalized my friends. Biggest ballers in the game
I've immortalized my friends. Biggest ballers in the game
You are an internet troll. A hyper-conscious, detail-oriented, pro-active internet spy who invades the privacy of unknowing victims. In your spare time you work pro bono for yourself as a private investigator. You spend an inordinate amount of time tracing and dissecting the details of others' lives, artfully piecing together their digital trails until you know everything you possibly can about your victim.
I understand how easy this is to do. Social networks were practically designed
internet stalking. Facebook is a browsing catalogue for boners and women use it to figure out every single female creature our boyfriends have ever had any contact with. But you know what you'll find if you go there? A heap of steaming turds you deliberately stepped in.
Don't let yourself fall into the black hole of temptation. I know it's fun to uncover the backstories, scandals, or sexual triumphs of people you know, work with, want to make rad babies with, exes, their new girlfriends or boyfriends, people you love, people you hate, teachers, bosses, bodega guys, celebrities, and hot bartenders.
Go ahead, make my day. You'll discover that everyone you date has been with someone hotter, younger, smarter, more interesting, better in bed, or richer than you. The person you think is a moron or an undeserving asshole at work has it easier than you. Your favorite porn star has it harder than you (HEY-O!). So instead of comparing notes and getting all up in Brenda's business, here are 10 things you can do that are better than stalking people on the Internet.
1. Go shroom in the desert
on New Year's Eve with say, ten friends. While you're peaking, close your eyes and imagine yourself in a crystalline forest in Burma that has trees covered in kaleidoscope bark reminiscent of
. Just a suggestion, not that I've ever done that a few weeks ago.
2. Be terrified by this video.
Terrrrified. Then think to yourself, "this is f*cking genius, son. Why didn't I make this video?" Then get a job at an ad agency that will keep you too busy to stalk people on the internet.
3. Learn how to fold a fitted sheet
like a proper adult. It takes practice, but let's put this universal battle to rest by mastering our fears, shall we?
4. Make a music video out of 3,000 movies.
I interviewed the guy who made this and he told me he spent the same amount of time making this masterpiece than you've spent masturbating in your entire life. How many hours do you think that is all put together, a year? 8765.81 hours or so?
5. Fake it til you make.
No really, it works. At least according to this TED talk.
6. Listen to
the world's best podcast,
In the episode below my friend
talks astrophysics, dolphin blow jobs, and artificial intelligence with my hero
There are three other big brains and comedians in this episode and everyone has lots of interesting input.
However, I do
appreciate the part where the neuroscientist chick says she doesn't believe in
and a Kurzweilian future. LET US DREAM, LADY.
7. Help lobby Hollywood's Power Gays to collectively buy Chick-Fil-A so we can eat there again.
Did you know that every time you eat their spicy chicken sandwich a gay person dies? Seriously. I have two gay cousins, a gay brother, two gay step cousins, and a gay uncle somewhere. I love them all very much and don't want them to die at the hands of a delishaaassssssss sandwich. We need Andy Cohen, N.P.H., Ellen and The Coops on this shit. NOW.
8. Brush up on the minds of serial killers
that offers "Over 500 serial killers in your pocket!" There is also a link on the home page to something called
which I refuse to click.
9. Get a hobby.
You know how you get into something, obsess over it, do it every single day for a month, then never speak of it again? For me these things have included: gardening, making God's Eyes, a raw food diet, sewing, Dubstep, and starting two different book drafts. If you're feeling prone to sleuthing out the person you most want to give a baby, learn something new. Take a cooking class, learn to swim faster, buy a 5000-piece puzzle set, or
, like this artist did below. That is face paint, not Photoshop.
10. Buy stuff off the TV while tweezing your leg hairs.
Honestly, buying the worst shit ever while doing the worst shit ever is better than what you were thinking of doing. Eat a box of frozen Tacitos in your Slanket during a 48-hour Hoarders bender. Fill your bathtub with Chia Pets and let them grow out. It's a matter of spending your time wisely and avoiding self-imposed torture.
Hope these tips were useful. Now go think up
to make and stay away from Brenda!
GUEST BLOGGER: PO
My friend Cary's little brother just moved in with an eccentric gay male musician named Yaku (not Asian but def some sort of European). A few weeks ago she asked him how he was settling in. He told her he was having a fine time of it but the one interesting aspect of his new apartment life was that his roommate was always in his room working on a dance song that just seemed to repeat the lines "I'm not sorry" over and over.
We all thought this hilarious and kind of blew it off, never imagining that one day "I'm Not Sorry" would grace our hearts, minds, and souls. Yet here it is. W
e love Yaku and hope he gets a record deal. I'm going to make a music video for this so please pitch your music video ideas in the comments and the best one will become immortalized in a YouTube video for eternity, with full credits and all.
Aviva's note: these aren't my celebrity stories. These belong to Po. Enjoy her guest post.
Here are some true stories, facts, and secrets that I have been brain hoarding which carry no credence. I've witnessed or been part of all of these, which is a study in the close proximity of celebrities to regular people who grow up in Manhattan. Always a blessing, never a curse.
1. Jonah Hill will eat 15+ chilled cocktail shrimp in just a few short minutes.
2. Keanu Reeves will not hold the door for you.
3. Kathryn Bigelow does not wear thongs.
4. Nathan Lane is rude to his driver.
5. Steve Buscemi will kindly deal with you accidentally putting salt in his cappuccino.
6. No one talks to Axl Rose at parties.
7. Jamiroquai once bought a bunch of sneakers at the Adidas store. They were all purple.
8. David Blaine passed out with his mouth open during ‘The Dictator’ after making some nachos disappear.
9. David Blaine can hypnotize you into giving him your phone number.
10. Jim Jarmusch loooooves hoagies.
11. Sean Connery is intolerant of litter.
12. Scarlett Johansen loves Depeche Mode.
13. Lou Reed will demand a cheese plate even if it’s not on the menu.
Lenny Kravitz is really patient.
15. Maxwell likes to order rum drinks from The Rusty Knot and take home the cool Tiki glasses. (Don't worry, he brings them back)
16. Joey Fatone will let you call him Fat One.
17. Dead Prez will not hurt you if drunkenly throw popcorn at them (I was throwing it in the air, not at y'all. Sorry, Dead Prez)
18. Janet Jackson did coke in the back of an unnamed person's dad’s restaurant.
19. When heckling a guy walking in front of you on the street and calling hima “Carson Daly mothafucka” make sure before he turns around that he is not, indeed, Carson Daly.
20. The lead singer of 3rd Eye Blind has no shame in hitting on you while wearing Birkenstocks.
Please leave your celebrity stories in the comments
Photo: Po being a "Do" in Vice's Do's and Don'ts the night I met her
My friend Po used to date my other friend Rich for a brief moment in college. Unfortunately I wasn't around then to enjoy the "Rich and Po" jokes, but I had been hearing about her forever. We finally at Max Fish in 2005. When I walked into the Fish, Po was lying on the floor with a semi-circle of people hovering over her laughing hysterically.
As we became friends over the years, I learned that Po is good at giving sincere, thoughtful advice when it comes to talking seriously about dudes. Feeling butthurt? Call Po. Need someone to play Dr. Dre's "Still D.R.E." on piano at a stuffy party? Call Po. Want a friend who makes videos of herself speed reading to Time Zone just to make her friends laugh? Call Po. Everyone welcome her to Everything is Annoying!
Po's Top 10 Visualization Techniques for Getting Over Someone
Disclaimer: I’ll let you fellas know right now this list has been crafted for the ladies. Creating a list like this for a man would involve different criteria and may be fairly difficult considering almost anything can turn a man on. And to Queers of all genders… enjoy laughing at the Straights.
It happens to us all; we get romantically fixated on people that are not good for us. People who we know are not what we want in the long run. Unfortunately by the time we realize this, the sex is beyond amazing. We've already created our own narrative to make up for the huge red flags that kept smacking us across the face as we were having ridiculous orgasms with a bozo.
I was deep in an unhealthy, long-winded hook up f-o-r-e-v-e-r. Every rational thing I told myself about how shitty it was (he said we should get married on the second date while he was making stains with pretty much every girl on his mattress, which was on the floor, he didn't believe my dog should get surgery that would save her life, his standard dinner was a lonely deli sandwich, and he was in the WORST BAND EVER), I would always find a way back to this person. But I wanted out.
Then one day a friend asked me to imagine him wearing Mary Janes. That’s it. Dressed totally normally otherwise, but with Mary Janes on. You know, walking around, running errands, attempting to have a serious talk with me about how he’s an anarchist. And that’s all it took. I mean, ok, it took a week or so of intense meditative visualization, but once truly committed I never looked back. Because really, who wants to bone a guy wearing a chunk-heeled, mid-nineties era, burgundy leather pair of Mary Janes?
Now maybe you're into guys in heels, so I’ve listed ten other simple visualizations below to help you get started. I hope these help you shake that triflin good-for-nothing-type-o-brother. Let's get with real men. Men that treat us well, who are considerate of our time, brains and needs. Men that are so phenomenal, you'd let them wear your shoes to your wedding and find it f*cking adorable.
1. BRAIDING HIS PONYTAIL. Just imagine him on the toilet, delicately weaving two braided pigtails to kill time.
2. HAM ASS. A ham ass is a butt that is wide, sloping, and looks like it's made of ham. It's particularly punishing when its attached to a small penis, but chances are you're not sweating a guy with a small p. Instead, just imagine your dude with a ham ass that moves sideways through doors, shops at the Men's Wearhouse, and chills behind the deli counter.
3. NEVER NUDE BASKETBALL SHORTS. My friend dated a guy who wore t-shirts during sex and when he got up to go to the bathroom (in his t-shirt tent), he would throw on equally huge basketball shorts. Unless your name is Tobias Funke, being a Never Nude is not funny. You know what else isn't funny? Wearing huge basketball shorts. All the time. Under Everything. Like this guy. (at 2:02)
4. THE HELICOPTER.
Imagine your dude is angry at you. He's obviously a horrible communicator so all he can do to express his rage is The Helicopter. He just spins round and round with arms outstretched while he looks up to God, shrieking.
5. SQUEALING. While you are in the process of breaking it off with someone you are having great sex with, you may find yourself continuing to relapse with them in the process. If this occurs, just picture him squealing like Olive Oyl when he climaxes.
6. PENIS REASSIGNMENT. Are you with this guy because his giant penis makes your hoo-hoo sing? Let's wipe that out by imagining him getting genital reconstructive surgery. Boom. Instead of a magical penis, he now has a bandaid, Tom Selleck's mustache, peas n carrots, Kuato, a Beanie Baby, or an empty Crown Royal bag.
7. LOTION. Next time you feel like humping this brah, picture him with a towel wrapped around his head and torso while sitting delicately by the edge of a tub rubbing down his legs like a beautiful, solemn lady.
8. CRYSTURBATING. Unlike some of the other things on this list, your dude has actually done this one. I guarantee it. It is exactly what it sounds like: crying while masturbating. Wet, sad, and gross.
9. NUDE YOGA. He's tall with big blue yes, successful and well-mannered, and he's really good in bed. And then one day you catch him doing nude yoga, sweating in a downward dog. Frank n beans for dinner. Enjoy.
10. MEOWCH. Bitches who say "MEOW" are the fucking worst. It's a simple-minded attempt at being clever. Every time a girl meows, our gender dies a little death. Now picture one of them with the face of your dude and listen to him purr and meow his way straight out of your heart.
Bonus: he responds to everything in the affirmative with "Gangnam Style."
Good luck with your visualizations and if you have a gross idea for this exercise, please let us know in the comments. If we get enough we'll post a follow up - just include your Twitter handle, website, or whatever it is you want us to link to.